We live in exhilarating and confounding times. Mostly confounding. Here’s a concise glossary to help you make sense of it all without having to talk to anybody or subscribe to Wired magazine.
A.D.D. An increasingly common developmental disorder characterized by shortened attention all passengers, attention all passengers, please show your ticket stub to the conductor as he passes through.
blog. A daily or weekly web diary maintained by an individual with a grossly over-inflated sense of insight.
carbon footprint. What zombies will leave in the charred earth after Kim Jong-un torches the place.
chat. Once a casual conversation using the mouth; now a drunken conversation using the fingers.
ebook. A type of book invented by a group fiercely opposed to paper cuts.
email. A very short ebook that typically lacks any truly intriguing plot points.
Facebook. A social networking service that enables individuals to create a public record of their internal monologue.
green. An adjective placed before the word “initiatives” to help corporations create the illusion that they give two sh-ts about the planet.
iPhone. One of six acceptable responses when asked to describe what you do during the waking day; others include iText, iFacebook, iDownload, iConsume, and iCry.
Kindle. An electronic slab that fell on and flattened Borders.
Luddite. A person who doesn’t own an iPhone 4S.
Mac. Porn enthusiasts’ protection against computer AIDS.
MySpace. A dating site that died and was reincarnated as a musicians’ site that died and was reincarnated as a storage facility.
reality TV. A mode of entertainment starring individuals whose mothers couldn’t kick meth or crack during pregnancy.
Ritalin. Flintstone vitamins for children who were born after 1990.
SMS. An acronym for “Short Misspelled Sentences.”
smartphone. An apparatus clung to by humans to camouflage stupidity.
social media. A set of web-based and mobile technologies that have changed the face of marketing, entertainment and pedophilia.
tablet. A special computer for people who think Herpes comes from keyboards.
text. A noun that mysteriously turned into a verb after Y2K.
Twitter. An online extension of Ashton Kutcher’s ego.
Vicodin. Heroin for wussies.
Wikipedia. A pseudonym for the author of 95% of book reports and term papers written since 2001.
YouTube. The closest to porn that PC users can get without contracting a disease.